9 Things Parents Are ~Really~ Thinking About Elf on the Shelf

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Elf on a Shelf - Cigarette

Well, here we are again.  It’s the day after Thanksgiving and you know what that means.  If you said, Black Friday deals and doorbusters…you would be incorrect!  It’s the day the Elf On the Shelf arrives at households across America.  And with that, comes the photographic evidence of each and every visit on Facebook.  Because evidently, if it’s not posted on Facebook, it never happened!  Here’s what the rest of us are thinking…

1.  Oh, he has additional clothes available for purchase now?  Good for him!  Do you know the last time I bought myself  clothes?  That weren’t activewear? From Target?  Because evidently I’ve lost the will to live.  Seriously, I’m almost positive I saw someone post an elf with a mink stole and over the knee boots.

2.  He has a girlfriend now?  What?  Do I have to buy this thing?  Because I’m not.  Why can’t he just work alone and sad, like the rest of us?  I don’t think he needs the distraction.  If he can’t handle the simple task of moving from room to room while everyone is sleeping, then go haunt another house.

3.  I can’t believe I forgot to move this thing…three nights in a row.  What kind of psychological damage am I inflicting on my children?  I’m like a deer in the headlights when they ask me why the elf hates them.  “Oh….maybe he saw the way you all threw your backpacks at me as you ran by me after school yesterday and then took forever to go to bed last night.”  I’m the worst.

4.  Wow!  Look at you!  You really go all out…Every  night.  I know this because you post it on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram….every  night.  You’ve been constructing entire lakeside village communities full of hijinx and I’ve just been alternating between the mantel and the chandelier.  I once put mine to “bed” in the tissue box and thought I was killing it.  Fail.

5.  Is it wrong that I don’t really think the elf is cute?  At all?  As in, he’s totally bordering on creepy and I’m wondering if I should have CORI’d this elf before I let him into my home and around my children.  He won’t even look at me…he’s all looking off to the side.  So he’s pretty much giving me permanent side eye, yet somehow always watching (judging?) me.  It’s weird.

6.  I’m sorry?  Am I seeing things?  Did someone just post “DIY elf accessory instructions?”  So in all  of my free time I get to knit microscopic mittens, hats and scarves?  Good.  Thank God someone posted that, because I am usually looking for more  things to do during the holiday season.  I’m always so bored  in December.

7.  Okayfine.  I’m feeling guilty enough to Google some ideas.  Oh for crying out loud, how cute are those Cheerios that have been turned into tiny frosted donuts?  But I’m pretty sure the one where he’s hanging inside  the toilet bowl releasing peppermint excrement is the fastest way to spread dysentery throughout the household.  Clean it up.

8.  Am I a failure as a mother because I secretly wish this elf was never even born?  Who started this and why couldn’t you just leave Christmas as it was?  We were fine!

9.  The best part?  All the kids know they can’t touch the elf or his “magic” will vanish.  How mystical!  You know what we couldn’t touch when we were kids?  Anything.  No, seriously….don’t touch anything.  If it was in your house and it belonged to your parents, don’t touch it.

So why do we do it?  Because our kids love it and we love them and it really tugs at our stressed out heart strings to see them so excited every morning (and it never hurts to have another source of blackmail).  So let’s hang some elves from some chandeliers and create some magic!

Elf on a Shelf