So, I’m standing in line at Whole Foods behind Headband O’Yogapants and Infinityscarf McGreenjuice (it’s irrelevant that I’m wearing and ordering the same). I overhear one saying to the other that it’s so annoying when their friend complains about having to run errands with her kids. What’s the big deal? Oh honey. You have no idea. Now yes, I love and wanted all of my children. But remember that time you broke up with someone and it was all “I love you, I just can’t be with you?” Same/same. I love you….I just can’t take you to Target.
Errands Alone: Zip up coat. Walk out door.
Errands With Kids: Two out of three zippers get stuck. One can’t find shoes. Two are thirsty. One spills water. Three need snacks. One drops bag of goldfish. Two step all over Goldfish. Walk out door.
Errands Alone: Get in car. Drive away.
Errands With Kids: Three walk through every visible inch of snow. One fills pockets with rocks. Two throw punches getting into car. One can’t buckle. Two scream about turning the radio on. One has to pee. Three get out and go back into the house, so nobody takes cell phone pics of you leaving kids unattended and sends it to channel 5. Three clothesline each other in a race to get back to the car. Drive away.
Errands Alone: Pull into parking spot. Walk into Target.
Errands With Kids: Three practically fight to the death over who gets out of the car first. Two fight over who gets to sit in the shopping cart. One cries when you tell them they’re all too big. Three hang on the same side of the shopping cart while you try to push it and dodge cars in the parking lot. One begs for a toy. One begs to look in the dollar bin. One begs for EOS Lip Balm. Walk into Target.
Errands Alone: Quickly grab items you came for and have time left over to browse.
Errands With Kids: Silently wonder what you were thinking and what you did to deserve any of this. Two go in opposite directions. Begin saying “You need to stay where I can see you” and “No, not today” on a continuous loop. Three ask “Can I get this?” on a continuous loop anyway. Start sweating. One knocks half of the DVD’s off of the end cap. Three “help” clean it up by putting 36 copies of 50 Shades of Grey in your cart. Smile when someone walks by and stares at your cart. Proudly think “It’s going to take a hell of a lot more than this for ME to feel embarrassed.” Vow that you are only going to grab items that are strictly in THIS aisle. You’re already on borrowed time, don’t even dream of having time left over to browse.
Errands Alone: Walk to register as Target employee tells you they “can take you at register 2, no line.”
Errands With Kids: Have a mild panic attack trying to determine which line is going to move the fastest. Know in your heart of hearts, none of them will because time stands still. One asks for every candy bar and pack of gum at the register, INDIVIDUALLY BY NAME. Two manage to smuggle Legos to the register. One manages to smuggle a 3 pack of EOS Lip Balm. Three put their items on the belt. Put your two items from the automotive aisle on the belt.
Errands Alone: Get in car. Check Target off your To Do list. Drive away.
Errands With Kids: Get in car and realize you forgot more than half of what you went in for, including toilet paper. Decide screw it, they can use tissues. Three ask you to open their stuff. Three start crying when you explain that you’ll open it when you get home. Wonder why they get to be the ones crying. Drive to the liquor store.
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