I don’t want to oversell this, but Netflix’s latest show, “Making a Murderer” may just be the best thing my eyes and ears have ever experienced at the same time. Yeah? Yeah. (more on that later). First off, I love a nice binge watch. Netflix may think they created the binge watch but, let’s be honest, I’m pretty sure I did that to every hungover weekend watching The Real World starting in 1991. Either way, this show is quite the gift that keeps on giving. My only real critique is that instead of calling it “Making a Murderer” they should have titled it something catchier like, “Everyone in Manitowoc County Looks, Literally, Like a Cartoon Walrus.”
So here’s the 30,000 foot view on what happened. Steven Avery was convicted of raping a woman on the beach in 1985, spent 18 years in prison and then thanks to the magic of DNA science it was discovered he was innocent so he was let out of the slammer in 2003. He was a local walrus-like celebrity and was in the middle of a $36 million dollar lawsuit against Wisconsin. Suddenly 2 years later Teresa Halbach was murdered and Steven Avery was the main suspect and was sentenced to life in prison without parole. I mean, 10 million other things happened but you’re not here for the play-by-play. Nope, you’re here for the absolute genius that’s the family, the town folk and to discuss what happens when poverty is mixed with lack of education.
First, let’s start with the fact that I think Steven is innocent. I say that so that if he or his family ever read this they don’t come and kill me. Second, regardless he was no angel prior to any of these incidents. If you recall, back in the early 80’s he used to wait for a cars to drive up his dirt road and then he’d chase after them…wait for it…wait for it…whilst shaking his ding-a-ling at them. You know, for sport I assume. Like, what’s going on in your day to day life when your agenda for the day is “Wait for cars. Chase cars with junk in hand.” And then there was this other incident where he set his cat on fire. I mean, haven’t we all been guilty of something that like before? Can you really blame him when he was brought up in a 40 acre junkyard? I can’t. It’s like he is, literally, the Heathcliff cartoon.
That brings me to “the parents.” Is it too soon to ask for a spinoff? Dolores and Allan, I believe? Talk about an absolute treat. Dolores is quite the dish with her abundance of what I can only assume is sleeveless dental assistant smocks with sporadic pictures of cupcakes and cherries on them. I say ‘good for her’ for trying to cheer everyone up. Poor Dolores (literally) typically sits in her carpeted kitchen, fries up some hamburger buns (sans the hamburger) and eats in silence while feeding her dog via her hand and wiping said hand on her Hanes husky jogging pants. I mean, slow clap for Dolores. AmIRight?!? Dolores also likes to keep busy by not brushing her hair (ever) and watching Divorce Court reruns (samsies!) all while waiting for her son, Steven, to make a call from prison. Oh, did I mention the conversation is riveting?
What I did learn was that regardless of who’s calling who (whom?) the conversation always goes like this:
You have a collect call from inmate…
Person 1: Yeah?
Person 2: Yeah?
Person 1: Yeah.
Person 2: Yeah.
There is no doubt in my mind I’ll be starting and ending all future conversations like this. Moreover, while it’s only January, I’m pretty sure I know what me and allll of my friends are being for Halloween.
Also, is it just me or is it fascinating watching poor people fight with each other? It’s about the same amount of fun as watching them try to articulate the same thing over and over again about the court case. Example:
Dolores: “He don’t shouldn’t none be in jail. I say he should be let out.”
Legit, she said it so many times I basically made it a drinking game by episode 4. Did I mention there are 10 episodes? I wish there were 210. I would have quit work and just watched. I also could have watched the father, Allan, for another 453 episodes. I mean, he’s pretty much the Archie Bunker of our generation. He stays on that damn filthy recliner chair and just yells at the camera all while Dolores looks on in horror/has no clue what’s happening. Oh, and I loved how every time he was in court he was in fresh crisp overalls. Mind you, his hands were never washed, but who am I the King of England all of a sudden? Plus, who else was puzzled by the accent? Sometimes it was 100% Wisconsin and at other times he sounded like the Lucky Charms leprechaun, you know, Sir Charms.
There were other characters I was obsessed with too. And you know I’m talking about Steven’s ex-girlfriend (spoiler alert) Jodi. Chant with me now….Jodi! JOdi! Jodi! Jodi! Honestly, I was like this can not be real. It just can’t be. But it was. Jodi was your classic hot mess and we didn’t see a lot of her at the beginning because, per ushe, she was locked up herself due to a little drinking mishaps between her throat and her car. But when she was finally released it was like the heavens opened up and angels brought her to us. First off, she won’t stop smirking and laughing. I assumed it was because she was wearing an oversized racing jacket, but she continuously smiled and laughed in almost every scene she was in…with my favorite being when the reporters kept trying to ask her questions when she was visiting the jail and she just stood against the wall with her coat over her head….laughing. No joke, this went on for 45 seconds…at least. I just kept yelling, “Is she crying? I feel bad. She better be crying. Because if she’s laughing I am so confused.” Please note, she was laughing. At one point (and I promise you I’m not trying to be funny or take a cheap shot) but I was like, ohhhh she’s on the spectrum. Which, of course, is fine, but really explains a lot. The point is, I love Jodi and I began to love her even moreso as soon as I realized she’ basically the female version of Buster from Arrested Development. Too much. I can’t. And I love when she and Steven would have calls from prison that would go something like this:
Steven: You suppose we get married cuz you wanna, yeah?
Jodi: (smirking) hahahaha
Jodi: (smirking) hahahaha
Steven: Well yeah.
Jodi: Yeah. (smirking) hahaha
And how crazy was the cousin, Barb? I mean the constantly feathered hair and the chain smoking really makes her a frontrunner, I believe, for Time Magazine Person of the Year 2016. At least I hope my petition about that makes its way up the ranks at Time. I’m pretty sure that when Barb really started becoming a main character it really hit me. These people are never not in the 80’s. Ever. It’s like the 1980’s at all times for these people. Forever. It’s like they were born in the early 70’s and then once they hit ’84 the people of Manitowoc just were like, “Yeah, no, we’re good with no more New Year’s…let’s just keep it right here in 1984.”
And you know what else was nuts? After Jodi peaced-out (due to the courts and the universe being like “Wake up, bricks, and run!”) Steven got himself another girlfriend. How does something like this even happen? If you all just replied back in unison “Crazy people write him letters in prison” you’d be correct. His “new” girlfriend actually seemed pretty normal, minus the fact that she could be Delores’ age (or her sister). Apparently her own husband left her by dying and I’m assuming this was her way of getting back at him/eventually killed perhaps. I liked when she was dressed in all leather and going to visit Steven in prison after she made him some dump-cake. #TrueLoveNeverDies. And was it just me or at one point was she in heat when she finally got to make actual contact with him in prison? I hear prison sex is a lot like regular sex, except prison sex has more scurvy and rickets. But you knew that.
Overall there was just so much crazy in all of this. Did he do it? Did he not do it? Was his nephew, Brendan, really involved? How sad was that scene where the investigator hired by his defense lawyer basically brainwashed Brendan into confessing (again, again) and drawing out the crime scene. Horrific. I’m pretty sure I watched that entire scene with my mouth open (like Dolores’ starving dog begging for a treat during Divorce Court commercials). And all the lawyers were a hot mess. Especially that d-bag Ken Kratz and that, what I can only assume is a Level III, Len Kachinzky. I squealed with delight when, in the end, Ken was exposed for an alleged sexting scandal with one of his abused clients and had to step down. Grossest. And why does everyone in Manitowoc have a “bad guy” mustache? At one point I even thought I saw Dolores starting to sport one.
P.S., I think the ex-boyfriend of Teresa and her brother was creepy AF. Why was her brother in every press conference that there was? At one point I was like, “Is he trying standup?!?” And don’t get me started on this erased voicemails on Teresa’s phone where her brother and ex-boyfriend both just happened to ‘guess’ her password. Moreover, what was up with Teresa filming herself talking about dying? Was this like the first Vlog?
In the end, I don’t really know who killed Teresa. It’s sad all around. I know there are countless websites detailing this series and trying to figure it out. I just knew there had to be people like me out there that were obsessed with the “characters” of this series and need a place to meet. Welcome to Brostrick.com.